December 2019

I live in St. Johns, Oregon, since November 2018, where I’ve started my fifty-first year of being alive. I’m in my fourth year as a diagnosed autistic and no closer to feeling like anything other than a failure and a fuck-up. I don’t know what’s going on with my health, and I don’t especially look forward to finding out. This blog continues to be a going concern, for better or worse, for whatever it’s worth. I’ve still not found a psychoconsultant both knowledgeable about adult autism and covered by my insurance. I’m finally selling print-on-demand t-shirts to express your quiet disgruntlement (and other things).

The final photo on my phone from 2009 (not a typo). Taken in November, not December, but it will have to suffice.

Scenes from a New Year’s Eve: I woke up having dreamt the importance of the statement, “I will have not having.” This afternoon I finally started a full rewatch of The OA. Tonight my fortune cookie read, “I learn by going where I have to go.”

This wil jinx it somewhere but for whatever reason @media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) { body { filter: invert(100%); } img { filter: invert(100%); } body { background-color: #000!important; } } currently is working in both Safari and Firefox.

Anyone in the social timeline side of have Goodreads edit privileges? I keep asking on Twitter to get covers added to the generic ebook listings for Supernova Era by Liu Cixin and Pet by Akwaeke Emezi but no joy so far.

I realized the other day the degree to which my adult pre-diagnosis social interactions were occasioned by alcohol and I wonder what role alcohol plays in masking/camouflaging for an undiagnosed autistic, and for the suppression of comorbid social anxiety. I’m thinking about it again now because I am reading this paper on late-diagnosed midlife autistics and how social “interaction retained a performance quality”, and it made me wonder about how alcohol makes socially-performative circumstances quote-unquote easier. Looking at the last decade (my diagnosis wasn’t until 2016, though), there’s a fair bit of tracking between my decreasing social activity and my increasing disinterest in drinking.

Well, this ends ridiculously. I just got my blog’s dark theme working—having sat down prepared to have to go through line after line of CSS methodically and laboriously—and it turns out that apparently all I needed was @media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) { html { filter: invert(100%); } body { filter: invert(0%); } img { filter: invert(100%); } } and it simply inverts the color scheme and I no longer have to even think about it. It’s not perfect, but it’s functional and easy enough on the eyes.

ETA: Motherforker. It fails in Firefox. Only works in Safari. Methinks there isn’t consensus on how to deal with filter: invert(); across browsers. Turning it off again.

A whole week of people extolling the great things they’ve done this year or this decade won’t kill me at all. No, sir. Everything will be just fine over here.

I’m not actually watching the Doctor Who marathon on BBC America but “The Doctor Dances” was on and the ending is still the best thing ever and I actually came by at just the right time for it.

My final photo from yesterday’s Byways Cafe finale, bringing to a close their twenty years in business and my decade as a regular patron.

It seems weird that on mobile web there’s no way to purchase a Kobo ebook I currently have on loan from the library. I wonder if it’s the same on desktop web. I think there’s a purchase option on the ereader itself, but mobile web just says I already have the book.

I’ve removed all my prefers-color-scheme: dark CSS because I tried making it better and a bunch of stuff didn’t work and I just don’t have the psychic wherewithal to deal. I’m probably the only one who ever looks at my blog at night anyway.

ETA: It turns out there’s a filter: invert(100%), and while inverting my color scheme actualy would work fine for dark-mode, it doesn’t actually work here because it doesn’t know to invert everything from the default styles.css rather than only what’s in my custom.css. Oh, well.

It’s hard to overstate the impact of the now-late Syd Mead (Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Tron, Blade Runner, Aliens, and the unsung favorite that is Strange Days), whom the Art Directors Guild is scheduled to honor, now posthumously, in February.

If only we were dogs, it would be so easy to be happy, happy, happy.

—The Juliana Hatfield Three, “If Only We Were Dogs”

“It’s important to note, though,” writes Sara Meyer, “that in ABA, ‘best’ means most efficient at changing the behaviour, not ‘best’ in terms of the long range well-being of the client.” Remember this when ABA proponents proclaim that it’s the only “evidence-based” treatment for autism. The evidence is only of a change in behavior, not of any alleged recovery, which isn’t a thing. Also keep this in mind when it comes to general psychotherapeutic support for autistic adults, since most therapists, counsellors, and social workers sense of autism likely is defined by those industries’ general acceptance of ABA as the leading treatment for children. Which doesn’t mean they think ABA is for adults, too, but often will mean not tailoring treatment for autistic brains.